- Good morning, Mrs. Statons. - Morning, madam.
Late! Late!
At last.
Sorry we're late.
Put it in the back.
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Fuck! Right, we take yours.
It only goes 40 miles an hour.
What turnoff?
Better not be the B359.
It's the B359.
Fuck it!
Fuck!
Fuck.
Come on.
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuckity fuck.
Bugger.
You look fine.
Is it twisted?
Hello! You look lovely.
Hello, Charles!
There's a greatness to your lateness.
It's not achieved without real suffering.
I am so, so sorry.
I'll kill myself after the service, if that's any consolation.
Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by.
Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.
And a disastrous haircut.
You haven't forgotten the rings?
No.
Hate people being late.
Here we go.
Oh, isn't she lovely?
Scarlett, you're blind. She looks like a big meringue.
Dear friends, what a joy it is to welcome you to our church...
...on this wonderful day for Angus and Laura.
Before we start the service, let us all join together...
...in the first hymn.
And did those feet...
... in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountain green
And was the holy...
... Lamb of God
On England's pleasant...
... pastures seen
And did the countenance divine
Shine forth upon...
... our clouded hills
And was Jerusalem...
... builded here
Among those dark satanic mills
Scarlett.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
...in the sight of God and in the face of this congregation...
...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Which is an honorable estate...
...instituted in the time of man's innocence.
- Back in a sec. - If any man can show...
...any just cause or impediment...
...why they may not be lawfully joined together...
...let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Do you promise to love her...
...comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health...
...and forsaking all others...
...keep thee only unto her for as long as ye both shall live?
I do.
To love and to cherish...
Till death us do part.
...till death us do part.
Thereto, I pledge thee my troth.
And thereto, I pledge thee my troth.
Do you have the ring?
With this ring, I thee wed.
With my body, I thee worship.
And with all my worldly goods, I do thee endow.
And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love...
...I am become a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
Good point.
You know I can't smile without you
Can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see, I feel sad when you're sad
I feel sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew What I'm going through
Great hat.
Thanks. I bought it specially.
There.
Get in position, please.
Thank you. Smile.
Splendid, I thought. What did you think?
I thought, splendid. What did you think?
Splendid, I thought.
Scarlotta, fabulous dress!
Ecclesiastical purple and pagan orange...
...symbolize the magical symbiosis in marriage...
...between heathen and Christian traditions?
That's right.
Lovely. And again.
Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
Name's Carrie.
She's pretty.
American.
Interesting.
Slut.
Really?
Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now.
Only goes out with very glamorous people.
Quite out of your league.
Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
See you there.
Off you go.
Right. Reception.
Bye! Bye!
Anyone else tread in a cowpat?
No, thought not. See you in a mo.
Do you think I'd hate him as much if he wasn't my brother?
Don't want to blow chances for romance by smelling of dung at the reception.
Oh, God. I never know what to say in these wretched lineups.
It's a cinch. Give a big, warm hug and say the bride looks pregnant.
Or stick with tradition, "You must be very proud."
Heaven preserve us.
You must be very proud.
Thank you.
Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hi, we've met. It's Richard Maples. - Oh, yes.
Bastard.
- Hello, Bern. - Hello, Chuck.
Two, please.
- You have fun, now. - Take care.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
- You want one of these? - Oh, thank you.
- I... - Hello, Charles.
Hello, dear John. How are you?
Good. This is...
Carrie.
- Delighted. I'm John. - Hi, John.
How's your girlfriend?
She's no longer my girlfriend.
Don't be too gloomy. Rumor is she never stopped bonking Toby de Lisle.
She's now my wife.
Excellent. Excellent. Congratulations.
Excuse me.
Any kids or anything, John?
Do we hear the patter of tiny...
...feet?
No.
Well, there's plenty of time for that, isn't there? No hurry.
Hi. How are you?
My name's Fiona.
I'm Gerald.
What do you do?
I'm training to be a priest.
Good lord!
Do you do weddings?
No. No, not yet. I will, though, of course.
Jolly nerve-racking.
Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.
Well, I suppose so.
Rather less messy, of course. And far less call for condoms.
Who's that boy over there in the gray?
His name's David.
Something of a dish, isn't he?
Well, I've always thought so.
Why are they?
- The dish can't hear. - Oh!
Gosh.
Yeah, silent...
...but deadly attractive.
Bang, bang, bang. That's it.
Into the marquee, please. Dinner is served.
How do you do?
Hello, Tom. Splendid to meet you.
Very exciting.
Hi.
My name's Scarlett.
Don't let me drink too much, because I'll get really flirty.
How do you do? My name is Charles.
Don't be ridiculous. Charles died 20 years ago.
Must be a different Charles.
You're saying I don't know my own brother?
No, no.
Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to drag you from your desserts.
There are one or two little things I feel I should say as best man.
This is only the second time I've ever been best man.
I hope I did the job okay that time.
The couple in question are at least still talking to me.
Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other.
The divorce came through a couple of months ago.
But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Apparently, Paula knew Pierce slept with her sister...
...before I mentioned it in the speech.
The fact that he slept with her mother came as a surprise...
...but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination...
...and violence that became their two-day marriage.
Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus.
And there are no skeletons in his cupboard...
...or so I thought.
I'll get to that in a minute. I'd just like to say this:
I am as ever...
...in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment...
...that Angus and Laura have made today.
I know I couldn't do it...
...and I think it's wonderful they can.
So back to Angus and those sheep.
So, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd raise your glasses.
- The adorable couple. - Yes!
The adorable couple!
Get one for me, Angus!
The first time I saw Gareth on the dance floor...
...I feared lives would be lost.
She's a pretty girl.
The one you can't take your eyes off. Love at first sight?
No, it's the bloke she's dancing with. I played rugby with him at school.
I'm trying to remember what position he played.
Though, let's say for the sake of argument...
...one did take a fancy to someone at a wedding.
Do you think there are people who can just say:
"Hi, babe. My name's Charles. This is your lucky night"?
If there are, they're not English.
Quite.
Three weeks is about my question-popping minimum.
You know I love you, Jean, don't you?
I love you. I love you.
And Mike, I've never met you before...
...but I love you very much. I really do.
Ignore her, she's drunk.
At least I hope she is.
Otherwise, I'm in real trouble.
How's it going, Lyds?
Bloody awful.
Oh, dear. What's the problem?
I was promised sex. Everybody said it:
"You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex. You'll be fighting them off."
But not so much as a tongue in sight.
Well, I mean, if you fancy...
...anything.
I could always...
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard.
- I'm not that desperate. - No, right. Of course.
Fair enough.
It's a good point.
Bye!
Have a lovely, lovely time!
Bye!
Where are you staying tonight, Charles?
Scarlett and I are at some pub.
The Lucky Boat, something like that. Aren't we all?
No. Slight change of plan.
The others are coming back to my place.
Nansy's there. Might cook us eggs and back over a late-night Scrabble.
Wondered if you'd like to join.
Yeah, great. Thanks very much.
Is there room for Scarlett?
Oh, absolutely. 137 rooms, actually.
Tommy, are you the richest man in England?
No, no!
I believe we're about seventh.
The queen, obviously.
And that Branson bloke's doing terribly well.
Well, excellent news.
I'll go tell Scarlett.
Yeah.
That's...
...unless you get lucky first.
Forget about it! Get out of it! Get out. Go on!
Hi.
Hi. Hi! I thought you'd gone.
Not yet. I was just wondering where you were staying tonight.
Well...
I was staying at some pub called The Lucky...
...Boat or something like that. - Boatman.
Right.
But now I'm going to stay at some friend's house with some friends.
Well, I think enormous castle is a more accurate description.
That's too bad because I'm at The Boatman.
Well, it was nice...
...not quite meeting you.
It was a great speech.
Thanks.
Well, I'm going now.
No! No, no, don't go.
We can meet now. The evening's just getting going.
We both know that's a big lie.
Fuck.
The castle beckons, I think, Tom. Are you sober?
Absolutely. Orange juice all night.
Come on.
Bye, everybody!
Bernard!
Stand by your man
Wah, wah, wah, wah
And tell the world You love him
And give him All the love you can
Stand by...
Tom, can you stop the car?
Stop the car!
Sorry. Sorry. I just think I might...
...stay in that pub after all.
Why on earth?
No, seriously. I'm researching pubs with "boat" in the title.
I hope to produce the definitive work.
- Please yourself. - It's a silly thing, you know?
Right.
Odd decision.
Hello.
Hi.
Turned out there wasn't room for all of us.
You said it was a castle.
No, it is a castle.
It's just a very, very small one.
Tiny. Just one up, one down, which is rare.
Drink, sir?
Yeah. I'd like a glass of whiskey, please. Thanks.
- Do you want? - Yeah, sounds good.
- Make another one for the lady. - Doubles, sir?
Thanks.
You here too? How are you?
Hello. I'm fine.
- Haven't seen Carrie, have you? - Who?
Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs.
Wedding guest. Nice smell.
No. Sorry.
Damn. Blast.
I think I was in there.
If you see her, could you tell her I've gone to my room?
Yeah, yeah.
- Your whiskey, sir. - Thank you.
And one for the...
Road. Lovely.
I think I might have one. Mind if I join you?
No. It'd be lovely.
Another glass of whiskey and a cigar.
Hold on. Make that a bottle.
We might as well settle in. Let's see if we can push on till dawn.
- Lovely wedding. - Yes, yes.
I was at school with his brother Bufty. Tremendous bloke.
He was head of my house. Buggered me senseless.
Taught me things about life.
Where you know him from?
University.
Splendid. Splendid. Yep.
I didn't go myself. I couldn't see the point.
When you're working the money markets what use is Wordsworth gonna be?
Excuse me. Your wife says, "Could you come upstairs at once?"
Room 12, in case you can't remember.
- My wife? - Yes, sir.
Oh, my wife! My wife!
You are drunk. You can't remember you got a wife.
Yeah, yeah.
- Do you mind if I? - No, no. Off you go.
- Best of luck. - Thanks.
Lucky bachelor me, I'll have another search for that Katie creature.
- Carrie. - That's the one. Damn fine filly.
I think I'm in there.
- Hi. - Hello.
Sorry about that.
That's fine. He was hard to get rid of.
Yeah.
So...
Maybe we could just...
...skulk around here for a bit, and then...
...go back down.
Now that's a thought. I don't usually skulk a lot...
...but I suppose I could skulk if skulking were required.
Do you skulk regularly?
No. No, I don't normally...
...think of myself as a skulker, but...
Well, why don't you come in and skulk for a while...
...and we'll see.
I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss in the church...
...which is kind of strange.
Where I come from, kissing is very big.
Is it? Yes, well, you're right. We probably are more reserved.
"You may now kiss the bride," isn't in the book of common prayer.
I always worry I'll go too far in the heat of the moment.
How far do you think too far would be, then?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe...
That would be all right.
That would be fine.
In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.
Maybe this...
...would be better.
Yeah, I think it would be dangerous to take it any further.
I mean...
You know...
That might be taking it a little far.
What about this?
You think the vicar would think things had slipped a bit out of his control?
I think he might.
This kind of thing is really better suited...
...to the honeymoon than to the service itself.
Why do you think it's called a honeymoon?
I don't know. I suppose it's...
..."honey" because it's sweet as honey.
And "moon" because it was the first time...
...a husband got to see his wife's bottom.
What's happening?
I have to go.
- Where? - America.
That is a tragedy.
Just before I go...
...when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
Sorry. Whose engagement?
Ours.
I assumed since we slept together, we'd be getting married.
What did you think?
What?
I...
Gosh, you know, that...
...takes a lot of thinking about, that kind of thing.
Obviously, I'm...
You're joking.
God! For a moment there, I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.
I thought you were Glenn Close and I'd find my pet rabbit on the stove.
No.
But I think we've both missed a great opportunity here.
Bye.
Oh, fuck!
Fuck.
Fuckity, fuck.
Fuck. Fuck!
- Car or taxi? - Taxi. We could never park.
Car seems a good idea.
- Fuck. - Fuck.
Leave it. No one will notice.
Well...
...sorry I'm late. Traffic.
Yeah.
Who is it today?
One more, please.
They're ready to go.
In the name of the Father...
...and of the Son...
...and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Let us pray.
Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery...
...a symbol of Christ's love for His church.
Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia...
...through your son, Jesus Christ our lord...
...who lives and reigns with you...
...and the Holy goat.
Ghost.
One God, forever and ever. Amen.
It's his first time. He's a friend of the family.
- Excellent. - Bernard and Lydia...
...I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage.
Bernard, repeat after me:
I do solemnly declare...
...that I know not of any lawful impediment...
...why I, Lydia...
...why I, Bernard...
Sorry.
Why I...
...Bernard Godfrey Saint John Delaney...
Why I, Bernard Geoffrey "St. John" Delaney...
...may not be joined in matrimony...
...to Lydia John Hibbott.
...may not be joined in matrimony...
...to Lydia Jane Hibbott.
Lydia...
...repeat after me:
I do solemnly declare...
...that I know not of any lawful impediment...
...why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott...
...may not be joined in matrimony...
...to Bernard Geoffrey...
..."St. John" Delaney.
...to Bernard...
...Geoffrey...
...St. John Delaney.